Born in China

Intercountry Adoption Through My Eyes and Beyond

A Great Day!

October12

After my enlightening early morning start, I crawled back to bed for a couple of hours for some much needed kip!  Wasn’t going to post again today but it’s been such a brilliant one I just wanted to share it with you!

I wasn’t looking forward to going to the Education Agency interview this morning as I thought it would be like so many, where you just go through the formality of form filling in and CRB stuff and so on but I was so pleasantly surprised!  A young chap saw me and was so helpful it turned out to be a real success!  It turns out that my CV is so old looking as far as the way it is done these days that it is surprising that I’ve got any interviews at all.  I didn’t know that a photo these days is a ‘no no’ and that you never put your date of birth because of ageism and the list went on an on.  Anyway, I was so pleased with his constructive criticism and tips for turning it into a contemporary masterpiece that I’ve spent the whole day re working it and am so pleased that I took the time out from studying to do it!

The sunlight today has been amazing too!  They call it pathetic fallacy don’t they – when the weather reflects ones mood?  Anyway, the weekend is nearly here and that is definately enough gushing for one day!!!

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Stepping outside the picture

October12

It’s 3.30am and I can’t sleep again.  As usual, I’ve been piecing and repiecing the jigsaw of my life as I know it!  Analysing oneself can be a dangerous thing but it is an activity that I’ve become addicted to of late!

Later this morning I am signing on with another Education Agency, with view to them putting me forward for a possible Drama position to start in January.  This Post is another temporary contract as I would be filling in for Maternity.  It’s due to this event that has prompted me to write…

It suddenely dawned on me when I was transferring my employment history onto the application form that my CV directly conveyed my emotions about not being able to have children.  There are two pressure points that are now jumping out off the page they are both when I taught within Primary at KS1 within Year 1.  The first pressure point in 2001 when I was just about to embark on IVF treatment and the second and more recent in 2011 when I felt at rock bottom due to the Adoption and ongoing wait.

When I step out of the picture, I understand now that my changing job to teach out of my comfort zone was not because I was unhappy with my career but was because I was desperate to be a mother and working with the 5-6 year olds allowed me to exercise that maternal need and play at being both ‘Mum and Teacher’.

I’ve needed the last couple of months to destress after my last difficult contract and having a new focus this term doing the CELTA course has been both challenging and rewarding and helped me come full circle!  I now see that I’ve always been in the right profession, I’ve lived and breathed Performing Arts all my life.  It’s just that during those peak pressure points I couldn’t handle me and my sadness and needed to withdraw from a role, that to be honest is all consuming.  When I’ve felt balanced and emotionally stable about my personal life, my  employment record and excellent examination results have reflected this.

Yesterday, I listened to Wayne Dyer’s ‘Staying on the Path’ whilst I was completing my college assignments- that guy is awe inspiring!  It was the energy boost I needed.  I now intend to be true to myself and allow myself to be guided through my inner voice and feel excited about the future!   The perfect job for me is out there and when the time sequence is right it will be there for me… In the meantime, I will continue to give my best to my new Spanish learners and enjoy the company of the great people on my course!

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The Box has changed!

October5

The CCCWA have now altered the referral box for NSN adoptions to 24th September and Rumour Queen has updated the box on her site too!

I am so happy to say that for now she is continuing to run her blog and the upset over the last week or so has passed.  I feel for the time, being less unsettled but the whole business has forced me to realise that I cannot rely on the work of this amazing person to carry me throughout this whole journey of torture…

Speaking with my husband this morning I think we need to contact the designated Intercountry Adoption case study worker for us at the DFES to start pushing for additional support as there is so much unrest online about the future of NSN referrals.  I know I can wait another 3 years if I have to, to get Molly May if China remain true to their promise of matching us but it is just cruel to keep us and all those like us out hanging on for something that they have no intention of honouring in the the long term.

Surely, it would be against the Hague Convention Act that China have signed up to not to offer NSN adoptions alongside SN referrals?

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Devastated by possible end to Rumour Queen blog?

October2

The last couple of days have been terrible- like receiving news of a death in the family and I am really not being melodramatic.  For four years I have been religiously following RQ blog.  Sometimes I log in up to 4 times a day – it has become like an addiction purely because she seems to be the only person world wide who really knows where things are at with China.  It has come to light that she is considering closing her blog due to the rude comments aimed at her supposed lack of sensitivity regarding her recent post on referrals of ‘one day’.

I totally understand and appreciate RQ’s anger and sadness towards these few individuals who ‘so don’t get her’!  She is one of the kindest virtual persons I know and without her fantastic thought provoking posts throughout each month I seriously don’t know how I would have kept on ‘hanging on in there’! 

Like so many who have commented on her blog since the upset, I have never posted anything on her site even though it is a major part of my daily routine.  I have tried to register but fear it is too late as I have not received a pass word to access her blog.  I hope and pray that through my own blog- word will get to her that I hope and pray and she finds the strength to carry on with her fantastic blog.  Albeit for selfish reasons, I do feel that in the long term she is acting as a central point for all of the chinese adoptees who when grown up will want and need links with others like them.  Rumour Queen holds the key to this network like no other person I am aware of?  Unfortunately, she is a victim of her own success.  She has become an Institution and I think others have forgotten that this is a personal blog and that she only has to answer to herself.  RQ doesn’t owe us anything.

I didn’t realise how deeply affected my husband would be by the possibility of RQ being no more.  I always secretly felt that it was more me that needed the crutch as he never logged on himself but was always fed the information through me.  I told him during the dark hours of last night when we were both awake.  He told me that it was going to be like being in prison with no sign of parole or sentence end.  He said that he was able to get through the wait, knowing every month that RQ changed the referral box even if it was by a few days.  He said it just helped to know that we were a step closer to Molly May and it gave us hope.

I have been lazy with pushing the UK over the adoption but if RQ does fold then I am going to have to rattle a few cages to ensure that we are kept in the loop.  In fact I’m going to have to make sure there is a loop!

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Disappointing rumour!

September20

just logged onto Rumour Queen this morning and the word is that referrals have only moved on one day from 21st September to the 22nd.  I know that we are still months/ years away from our match and so I shouldn’t be shocked but I feel really angry at this news!  I can cope with two or three days of referrals each month but one day seems so cruel!  I thought we would be through September by beginning of November but I think it won’t be until the end of the year now!  I need to focus my energy on something positive today- so I’m heading for my yoga mat!

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The Crest of the Wave!

September3

Great news!  I received my letter in the post offering me a place on the CELTA course!  Naturally I’ve emailed to accept.  Feels like I am riding high on the crest of the wave at the moment.  I can’t believe that finally one of my plans is going to take place after a really difficult last 5 months with health issues and work problems, there is something for me to feel positive about again!

Of course, I feel nervous about the prospect of going back to college and being a student again.  Loads of hard work and late nights preparing essays and so on but bring it on!  I love to exercise my brain and learn new things so I think it is going to be brilliant!

On the job front- a possibility has arisen for me to apply for a Year 4 contract starting in January.  This would be perfect as the course finishes in December.  I’ve arranged to visit the school on Friday and meet the Headteacher.  It would be so wonderful to secure some work for next year early on in the Academic year so I could really enjoy the studying without the financial worries at the back of my mind!  You never know I could do it?

 

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CELTA interview

August30

Yesterday I had my interview for the course on teaching foreign students English.  It was really bizarre going back to college after 16 years!  The complex was really smart and the refectory had a costa coffee- so I felt right at home!  Before I went in for the group interview I hung around the restaurant area just observing all the newbies enrolling.  It took me back to my uni days wheneverything was so fresh and exciting.  Nothing really phased you-it was all to dream for and ahead of you!  It was lovely to watch their carefree attitudes and excitement.

On my degree course back in 1991, we had a couple of mature students who the majority of us didn’t really get to be honest.  They didn’t mix in with us but were fully focused on the pure study and were completely driven and came out with Firsts, which we were all jealous of!  Now, being a potential mature student myself I can appreciate what it must have been like for them.  The stakes are so much higher.  The need to succeed seems greater.  To prove your worth and show that the decision to re educate yourself is a necessity that can only be recognised by perfect attainment is something that I can relate to.

The interview was 3 hours long and was broken up into 3 stages of discussion about the make up of the course, group language analysis tasks and a written essay under timed controlled assessment.  It was tough, as although I had revised my understanding of Grammar, the questions were tricky to really test you.

There were 10 of us.  All mature students, some like myself trained teachers.  Everyone seemed to gel and I could see myself working alongside these people if I was successful in gaining a place?

Results are to be posted today so fingers crossed…

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Countdown!

August24

Just logged into Rumour Queen’s blog today and the news is that referrals are up to 21st September 2006!  A tiny batch but none the less still moving forward!  I think we will see the back of this month by the end of October at this rate but it was always going to be a nightmare one because of the policy change that took place at the time.  Record numbers of applications were processed during this month due to the change in criteria being enforced in 2006.

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Annual Social Worker visit

August22

It has been two days now since we were visited by our Social Worker from PACT  to get the rubber stamp for another year of our ongoing Intercountry Adoption.  Although, like ‘Groundhog Day’ she is a nice lady who I think does feel for us even though she is the ultimate professional in her dealings with our case.  It was interesting to hear that we were her only applicants still in the programme and that all others had now pulled out of China and were pursuing other Countries or deciding on domestic adoption.  I felt proud of us that we are still holding strong and determined to see it through.

We asked if she could find out how many people in the UK were still waiting for a referral and if it would be possible to set up a support group for those that were still hanging on?  It felt good to tell her of our future plans with regard to career changes and we discussed the possiblity of relocating and whether that would be a problem?  She assured us that it would only involve a health and safety check.  My husband is really happy about this as he has felt that our hands have been tied for so long with regard to having to remain in the same property so our paper work wouldn’t be jeopardised.

It isn’t that we want to move desperately as we have put so much love and time  into our home, it’s just that with the job market being the way it is, when opportunities arise we want to know that we can go for them freely if we want to!

Anyway, we can close the lid on this box for another year and carry on with our lives and endeavour to make the most of each other and our other family members.  There is so much for us to be grateful for and I suppose this is reenforced at this time of year when we have our SW visit as everything is reflected upon.  The over riding element that shines through each year is how deeply connected we are to each other and it is that love that keeps us happy and strong.  I feel so lucky to have a life partner that I completely fit with and that gets me through and through.  Children will eventually grow up and fly the nest but a husband or wife is a constant.  I see so many marriages where the glue is the kids and I worry for the time when these couples are left to fend for themselves.  I know that we are not in that cateogory and am deeply thankful!

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Relief!

August18

I meant to post earlier than today about my wonderful relief to find out that my neck lymph node is healthy and after 4 months of worry  about it being up, I can now rest assured that it is due to the inflammation in my jaw and that it’s prominence is due to it sitting ontop of a muscle. Within hours of returning from the hospital the discomfort in my ear dropped to a 2/10!  I felt like I’d won the lottery to know I was ok!

The only thing that had driven me crazy throughout this recent health scare was that the adoption would be pulled if I  had got something sinister.    The pressure on those who are currently waiting for their referral will know what I mean – the annual medical check is an added pressure.  If parents of biological children were told that their children would be removed from them if they got the big ‘C’ then there would be outcry but in this process unless you are A* on paper each year after passing panel then your application will be reviewed and potentially pulled.  We have had this hanging over our heads for 5 years now and still have not come to terms with the injustice of it.

I hope and pray that for the remainder of this wait, my health stays as it currently is…

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